hey you guys

i've been doing ok this week.. i got on the vixens volleyball team (had the tryout on wed) we had an awesome fuel practice and i'm really excited to be dancing tonight!

i've been thinking a lot lately... about everything! its been hard to just sit down and read my bible.. i kept finding other things to do.. you know what i mean. its hard to press in right now.. i don't even understand why it's happening or what's holding me back, but its dum and i'm certainly going to change it.

i've also been finding it hard to worship God when i really don't like the style of music. i know that's not cool.. but i'm struggling with it. especially when i don't even like the songs. i've found myself just thinking about other things.. it's not good. i should be worshipping God no matter what, and even if i don't like the songs, then i can just suck it up and pray about it or something. so.. pray for me about that one. but it's not even the music at all! its about Jesus!

you know the verse on the top of my blog? "deny yourself and take up your cross and follow me" i have been thinking about that one all week. what exactly does "denying" yourself mean? what do i have to do to deny myself? this is what the dictionary told me about it: "to refuse to recognize or acknowledge" "to refuse to admit the existence, truth, or value of" "to disown" ...Jesus was saying some pretty serious stuff there. if we want to be His followers, we have to recognize that we are nothing, we have no worth. we need to live in that knowledge and know that it's not about us, it's about God in us. my heart is crying out right now for the ablility to deny myself. to be humble, selfless. but the world is telling me "be selfish , you are the only thing that matters" but i say "NO!" :) it's not "all about me"! i don't want to be in you, world! i want to deny myself and take up my cross and follow Jesus, the only thing that is worthy!!!

ok, now.. what did Jesus mean when he told us to "take up our cross"? well.. in those times, crucifixion was a common thing. and condemned criminals had to carry their cross through the streets to get to the execution site. this was a sign of commitment. so when Jesus said this, his disciples knew exactly what he meant. we have to risk our lives, lay it down, don't turn back, be broken, carrying our cross, following him and him alone.

then, that portion of scripture it goes on to say "if you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for me, you will find true life." (verse 25) and it says the same thing in matt 10:39: "if you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it." it's all or nothing folks! we need to lay our lives down. we need to give him everything! because then, we will find our life, a life full of Gods glory, the only life worth living for. its worth it! lets go for it!

i feel Gods grace pouring onto me, probably because i'm starting to realize how much grace he has given me.. it's SO amazing!! he loves me so much, no matter how many times i mess up. he never stops smiling over me and telling himself "she's my daughter, my lover" ...amazing grace... what an awesome God we serve! i love him so much!

heres a song that reflects me right now

father here i am in this place again
i know that you're no stranger to pain
to loneliness
father here i come
i lay my burdens down
knowing that you'll take me as i am
so i come with freedom as your child
and i run into your arms

my heart is aching for my father
my eyes they long to see my God
this world has nothing i desire
you are what i'm looking for
hide me underneath your shelter
cover me and i will say
i am yours
surely i am yours

~Kim Johnson

Dear God, thankyou so much for your love for me. it is everlasting. you are such a faithful friend. please give me strength. help me to deny myself. i can't stand this separation any longer! i want to be humbled. i want to be selfless. remind me every day. "it's not about me" its all about you Jesus, you are the greatest gift. i am nothing. i and worthless. i am unclean. i am a sinner. but with you inside of me, i am pure. i am worthy. i am beautiful. i'm a warrior. thankyou for that God. help me live in obedience to you and your words. please help me go deeper with you and get to know more and more every day. i love you a million bags of sugar!

~christine

scriptures of the week: Phillippians 3:7-9, 1 Peter 3:9, all of James, 1 Thessalonians 5:17